Sweet Baby Boy!

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails - Proverbs 20:21

Today, Stephen and I went for the ultrasound to determine what we are having. As, you see by the title (and many of you received calls, texts, and of course a Facebook status update) we are having another little boy.


I decided to write about this very honestly, because I have come to understand that there is nothing weird or wrong with my inital reaction to this news. In my mind, I had a little feeling that it could be another boy. I love my little Henderson (or my Bundle as many of you know I call him) more than I could ever begin to express in words. I simply couldn't imagine loving another little boy the same way. So began my thoughts on having a little girl.

I have an extremely close relationship with my mom and I pictured sharing that kind of connection with my own little girl. I thought of how Stephen and Henderson will share many bonds through fun activities for them such as fishing and hunting (although I would be just fine with Henderson staying home with me!) I pictured while they were off doing "their thing," I would spend time with my little girl. Stay with me here people, this is just where my mind went.

Also, let's just face it - girls' clothes are way cuter than boys. I was excited about the possibility of stocking up on some pink. I planned it all out in my head... one boy, one girl...Lincoln family complete. Um except for one thing, today at my appointment, the ultrasound girl says "looks like a boy!" For the remainder of the ultrasound, I felt nothing. When we found out with Henderson, I was so excited that I cried. I wanted to run out of there and call everyone and tell them the news. Today as I sat there, I felt nothing. Then I felt MAJOR guilt about feeling nothing. I felt so guilty about feeling nothing that it ruiend the rest of the appointment for me. Stephen asked me as he had to leave (he went back to work and I had lab work and drs visit) "Are you so excited?!" I looked at him and said "not really." THAT was how I reacted this this wonderful news. What? What kind of mother am I?

I shared the news with family and friends without feeling the sheer excitement that I felt I should be feeling. When I got home from the appointment, I took a little time to myself (Kathy was kind enough to pick up Henderson from daycare) before I had to go to work. I got the best message from my sister that I think I will keep and replay for many years. She knows me well and had said some really perfect things. I also talked to my mom who was equally as reassuring. I spent some time with the Lord, who gave me such clarity and helped guide me to the above verse. He gently reminded me that this was HIS plan, that many people often struggle to become parents, that this child was growing strong and healthy... SO many things to be thankful for. SO MANY blessings!

I want my sweet baby boy to understand that I will love him with all of my heart and I am NOT in any way disappointed by having another boy. He is already teaching me so much about being a parent and a better person (and he isn't even here yet!)

At first, I didn't want anyone to know how awful I had reacted when I found out. I felt like a failure as a mom and I was disappointed in myself. I am still working on not feeling guilty about my initial reaction. I wanted to share this because I wanted to be honest about how I initially felt. I wanted anyone else out there that might have gone through this (or might in the future) to know that you aren't alone. We are human after all... and we have to trust in the Lord.

I am already getting excited about Henderson having a brother and best friend. I am excited about Stephen having two little boys to take hunting (while mommy goes on a spa trip:) Most of all I am excited that God picked us to give this precious gift to. Thank you Lord for giving us this sweet baby boy!